I guess there is no self-truth to be avoided, I've been a lonely cat quite most my life. And I'm not complaining about it either. To be honest, I at times find peace in solitude. I'm not like completely anti-social or anything, I do have friends, only a few whom I consider to be actual. I'm very family-oriented, and I adore spending as much time with my family as possible. but I've never had that certain friendship, that certain connection with another human being. At least, I've never had such feeling of it. I feel much more connected to the words of Federico Garcia Lorca and Thomas Merton than I probably ever have with people I've known half my life. I've never truly had that one group of friends to build endless memories with and share extraordinary dreams with, or even just that one friend that I could go to with all my angst rants, silliness, bizarre ideas, and joy. I've never been able to open up and give my all to someone, or perhaps I've been able, but it just hasn't happened. The right person hasn't come along, but odd enough I'm still hopeful. Either it be a friendship, or a relationship...I want it. I want to share my thoughts, heart, and soul with another just as I want that someone to equally share their thoughts, heart, and soul with me as well. I have so much more to offer than I put forth on display, as non-sensed as that may sound. I'd let down all my barriers for the right person, without hesitation I thoroughly and genuinely would. From experienced observation, many people just use each other out of selfishness...they get bored, they want fun, they want somebody to talk to, so they phone up the same ol' person, or the next available contact to fill-up that minor disturbing void. They title it "friendship" but the majority of the time it's complete bullshit. I know that sounds a bit harsh, and I'm not really one to openly state such matters, but it's true. And I just can't follow that, I don't want to be a part of that. If I invite someone for a chat-over-coffee, it's cos I sincerely want just that, I want to see that person and have an actual conversation. I want to hear as much from them just as much as I want to share with them. If I invite someone to go with me to a party, it's because I genuinely want to have a good time with that person, not just for the mundane reason of not wanting to arrive alone. Sometimes I come off rather stand-offish, stuck-up even...but it's not that, it's just--it's difficult to explain. It's everything but that...it's rather simple actually. I just want sincerity. Sincerity is really all I ask for. And I'm not insinuating that I'm some sort of angelic gal, for in caught-up moments I too have shared moments of dishonesty and misleading gossip, but it's not something I'd do intentionally. I could never purposely hurt someone, be disloyal, dishonest...I could never use somebody for my own self-revolved reasons. And I don't plan on it, the more distance from that, the better. but I don't always want to be a one man wolf pack either (yes, hangover reference.) I'm just in hope for that true life-changing friendship/relationship...I'm diligently and patiently waiting for it. I know God has it all planned out and arranged. And I'm both anxious and excited for that day to come in bloom. And the day it does, all of these things (things being a sum-up of many dealt with aspects) will have been, will be worth it.
That much I know.
That much I know.
That much I have to hold onto for now.
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