It's 3:02 AM,

the start to fucking New Years Eve, and here I am. AWAKE.

Listening to "Moanin'" by Charles Mingus. Oh yes, sugarrr. Soo Jazz'n!

...So, in a few hours, the current year 2010, will officially be considered something of the past. Instead of students dating the upper right hand corner of their class assignments with ?-?-10... starting tomorrow they'll have to cross out that zero and add a fucking one--> ?-?-11 (it usually takes me a while to adjust, and when I do adjust, before I know it, it's time to re-adjust again!) Anyway, back to my point...I don't think I have one, actually. I just have a lot, too much, a ridiculous amount of different thoughts swooning through my brain! (is swooning even a word?) One after another, they collide together, at the same time...it's like a race, a race of words and images that only I can see. How awesome is that? Thinking. It's amazing how we each have our own thoughts...it's our own little-big world in there...in our brains, our imagination. Geez. Well, I'm blabbing too much now. I guess I thought I'd be able to make better sense of these distorted thoughts by writing them out; actually, in this case, typing them out.
Major FAIL.

..It's just damn crazy to me though. How one day determines the end of a whole fucking year. How that same day also determines the start of a whole new fucking year too. It's fucking crazy, yet fucking amazing. and sort of fucking confusing. (I never usually curse this much, by the way.) but, blah.

..I probably wont be getting much sleep tonight.
I'm totally fine with it too. I actually don't mind staying up.
I don't mind the fucking saggy bag pouches I'll be having under my eye balls in the future. I like being awake. Honestly, If it weren't for dreams, sleeping would be such a drag. Anyhow, I probably sound like either:

A) a fucking bore
B) a fucking phsyco 
C) an interesting confusing robot OR

D) all of the above

so, I'll just leave it at this:

This drawing is a perfect combination of four things I happen to adore in this life.
(and possibly you may adore so too?)
...Old age + beard + birds + winter = ♥

Sometimes,

I wish I could live the life of a fucking REBEL. 

Follow my heart, and not give two fucks about consequences.
About what's right, and what's wrong..
about other peoples wants, expectations, and needs. 

Fucking let my feet take me where they desire, 
and not worry about how the fuck, or if I'll ever make it back. 

If I could be careless, instead of selfless...if I could be unaware. 

If I could step out of my fucking shadow, 
and set the ghost in the back of my head FREE.

If I could actually fucking pursue my dreams, 
without hesitations or limitations. 

If I could live my life without having to use the fucking word "if."

and just be a rebel...A FUCKING REBEL IN PURSUIT OF LIVING.

A fucking rebel that actually lives each day as if it were the last,

and doesn't just speak about one day doing so.

A fucking rebel that doesn't give a fuck about 
how many times she uses the fucking word "fuck." 

..Sometimes, I just wish I could be another me. NOT somebody else..

just another fucking version of me. One that is truly, honestly, genuinely, one-hundred-and-fucking-seven-percent satisfied with life...

"I'd rather live in a trashcan 
than see you happy with another man."

do you eat, sleep,

do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

I saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will see you again. 

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will be there.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?

you kick my foot under the table, 

I kick you back;

I can't say I'm able to
stand for you or
fall for you ever again.

wish for a perfect setting?
wishing that I am letting you
take me where you want me
all over again?
you can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will see you again. 

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will be there.

I saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

I don't know, and I don't care if I ever will be there.

- Lisa Loeb.

FEET + ALL OF THEE BELOW 

=   

HAPPY FEET ♥ 

 

 

PRESS PLAY.

I want to ink his words on my canvased skin.

possibly, more than likely...I will.
before this year ends, perhaps?

 

"Be Here Now"

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now.

Something about this photo,

is breathtakingly beautiful to me.
I'm not quite sure why?
maybe it's the soft intensity in his eyes..
his effortless attractive messy hair.. 
the raw natural beauty of his freckles, and thick eyebrows..
or maybe it's the Polaroid held in his hand, that gracefully captures the reflection of a California sky..

It's been said that...

The man of my dreams,

can only be seen through closed eyes.

The love of my life,
is physically unaware.

Romance pulses through my veins,
so I write away...

In another lifetime.
some other way.
in-between seasons.
as a canvas serves purpose to half-empty bottles of paint..

that's when I'll feel,
that's when he'll touch,
that's when we'll seat,
that's when we'll brunch,
that's when I'll hold him,
as he sings me sweet songs..

that's when the dream,
will tear me apart.

You and me between the sheets
It just doesn't get better than this
The many windswept yellow stickies of my mind
Are the molten emotional front line
I couldn't care less I'm transfixed in this absolute bliss
Sweet sleepless, tumbling night
Oh, and the morning on your skin and loved up light
Tracing patterns in the maze of your back
Softly, softly the goose bumps like that
And then a kiss...
Maybe another,
And another one..
- Imogean Heap.

Deer. Yes, Deer!

I want a pet deer, m' dear.
I'd name him crush, feed em' warm milk in a bottle, and tell him all my stories.
We'd watch Bambi together, and I'd teach him how to dance.
Oui, I truly believe deers have the potential to dance.

I'd be his Momma Dear, and I'd keep em' forever, until the end of dearest time.

- FIN.

WHAT IF.

those two words are enough to drive a person crazy.

enough to drive a person mad.

enough to save somebody's heartbeat.

enough to rekindle what we had.

What if, what if...