One of "those" days...

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days where things aren't exactly shitty, but for some inexplicable reason you feel like the best and only suitable thing to do at the moment is sit out in the cold nights rain, just you and your inner solitude, rambled thoughts and distorted dreams...and cry. Just cry. Not like depressing alligator tears kind of crying..but soft, soothing, passionate tears; that drop one by one, as if to be delicate oiled drops creating colorful perplexed life on a blank canvas. There are days I really wish I had my own place..if I had my own apartment (yes, apartment..I've always imagined myself living in one during my youth), I'd most likely not be typing any of this right now. I'd be dancing to this song instead of listening to it, "Come Undone" by Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan. I could just imagine how melodramatic the scene would be, perhaps it'd be similar to that of a 40's film; preferred color scheme: black and white (of course). Hair down and wild; attire: a ragged white t-shirt, no bra, and a pair of black nylon pantyhose. All lights would be off, window curtains shut, candles would be lite, setting off a dim jazzy atmosphere..the warm fragrance of vanilla  from each candle exposes itself to the entire living room. The only sounds to be heard are that of Campbell and Lanegan's voice, scattered rhythm raindrops from outside, and the counted inhale/exhales from my frantic breathing. I'd close my eyes, zone out every memory existent in my brain..and concentrate only on my three surrounding sounds. Loosen control of my muscles, ignore my fragile set of bones..and just sway..let my soul direct my movement. One step, two step..arms mingling in the air..three step, four step..hands caressing my borrowed features...five step, six step, seven...unraveling my heart.

I just want to feel alive again.

I often wonder...

Could have been a sailor, could have been a cook

A real live lover, could have been a book.

I could have been a signpost, could have been a clock.

As simple as a kettle, steady as a rock.

I could be

Here and now

I would be, I should be

But how?

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been your pillar, could have been your door

I could have stayed beside you, could have stayed for more.

Could have been your statue, could have been your friend,

A whole long lifetime could have been the end.

I could be yours so true

I would be, I should be through and through.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been a whistle, could have been a flute

A real live giver, could have been a boot.

I could have been a signpost, could have been a clock

As simple as a kettle, steady as a rock.

I could be even here

I would be, I should be so near

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

"THERE ISN'T MUCH THAT I FEEL I NEED.

A SOLID SOUL

AND THE BLOOD I BLEED."

LET IT PLAY > >

This song is simply amazing.

and the fact that Sara Quin sings in it..

well, it just adds more sugar to its sweetness.

OPENMYLOVELETTER.

This is a love letter. Here.

Hey, is your heart racing?

You’re holding your breath

And you can’t talk,

But you move your lips, a little.

I pass it across the table

Quick, bold, in an arc of lavender

Across the table from me to you.

Yeah, I’m not supposed to.

Not supposed to do this.

But I don’t care
I love, I love, I love you.

I love you even though

I’m not supposed to.

I blush, blood to my face

My heart beats too.

I wonder, is that shock?

That crashing blue stabbing

Yellow-gray paralyzing

Stabbing, stabbing in my chest,

Stabbing in my in my chest?

I let out a shaky breath.

My mouth forms words.

Circumlocution, sounds

Words without meanings.

Spilling out I look down at glass

Flowing out over it

In ellipses are elliptical words.

Messy, drippy, and I wish

I wish I could clean that up

It’s a mess and I don’t –

I don’t know what to

I don’t know what to –

Do you feel that too?

Fuchsia, mauve, magenta

Teal, turquoise, aqua

Scarlet blood-red blood-orange

Grapefruit quicksilver blue-silver

Melted metal or

Water-in-a-steel-sink-colored

Candle yellow, candle orange, candle blue,

Flickering love it’s love it’s love

It’s love and oh shit what do I..

What do I do with that

Unbearable candle yellow orange blue white

Glowing melting wax burning soothing

Balm calming your eyes are glowing

They’re shining and you smile

White white whiter than the whitest white

Pink brownish pink reddish brown-you laugh

Rosy beige laugh-your lips

Molten purple violet candle wax

Melting candle wax blue orange yellow

Your feelings color rippling green-in-burgundy

Indigo-in-wine-in-bronze-in-cyan-in-tea green

Out of white out of blue circles

Melting beaded ellipses

Brown espresso brown

Chestnut auburn brown

To a black of the dusk forest

Mixed into brown green charcoal blue-black

Do you see this?

Your laugh is a color.

Your smile is a color.

Your lips are twenty colors.

And this is love, do you feel it?

You don’t open the letter,

You must feel it.

Are my smiles yellow the color of

The sun on a summer day in

The haze of a humid burnt green-yellow

Carolina summer day?
Or are they the shade of my new shoes at dawn?

Or the color of gushing water

Cool lovely violet oil paint

And pine green smelling

Of plastic yearning layered

Glossy watered drying paint?

The length of a breath passes

Your face blushing too

You can’t breathe

And your heart is pulsing vermilion

Vermilion vermilion vermilion

Cadenced, in time to mine

Or your own pounding rhythm?

Your fingers drum on the table

Khaki beige gray yellow orchid

Lady slipper yellow of your face

A flower in bloom after a spring rain

The moisture in the air

The trees greener than usual

The soil browner and somehow

Yes, somehow more scented

Earthiness rising up from earth

And I love you

And from this I know –

I feel — deep within ventricles

Your heart has knocked on

The door of my heart

Pounding to be let in

And even though it isn’t

It isn’t supposed to be

It is. I love I love I love you

And you love me too
And every second is

Every second is its lasts-forever-rainbow

Red orange yellow green

Blue indigo violet

Every second and I just

I just love love love
love you.

Open my love letter.

LET IT PLAY > >

All those wasted hours we used to know
Spent the summer staring out the window
The wind it takes you where it wants to go

First they built the road, then they built the town
That's why we're still driving round and round
And all we see
Are kids in buses longing to be free

Wasted hours, before we knew
Where to go, and what to do
Wasted hours, that you made new
And turned into
A life that we can live

Some cities make you lose your head
Endless suburbs stretched out thin and dead
And what was that line you said
Wishing you were anywhere but here
You watch the life you're living disappear
And now I see
We're still kids in buses longing to be free

Wasted hours, before we knew
Where to go, and what to do
Wasted hours, that you made new
And turned into
A life that we can live