I often wonder...

Could have been a sailor, could have been a cook

A real live lover, could have been a book.

I could have been a signpost, could have been a clock.

As simple as a kettle, steady as a rock.

I could be

Here and now

I would be, I should be

But how?

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been your pillar, could have been your door

I could have stayed beside you, could have stayed for more.

Could have been your statue, could have been your friend,

A whole long lifetime could have been the end.

I could be yours so true

I would be, I should be through and through.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been a whistle, could have been a flute

A real live giver, could have been a boot.

I could have been a signpost, could have been a clock

As simple as a kettle, steady as a rock.

I could be even here

I would be, I should be so near

I could have been

One of these things first.

I could have been

One of these things first.

"THERE ISN'T MUCH THAT I FEEL I NEED.

A SOLID SOUL

AND THE BLOOD I BLEED."

LET IT PLAY > >

This song is simply amazing.

and the fact that Sara Quin sings in it..

well, it just adds more sugar to its sweetness.

OPENMYLOVELETTER.

This is a love letter. Here.

Hey, is your heart racing?

You’re holding your breath

And you can’t talk,

But you move your lips, a little.

I pass it across the table

Quick, bold, in an arc of lavender

Across the table from me to you.

Yeah, I’m not supposed to.

Not supposed to do this.

But I don’t care
I love, I love, I love you.

I love you even though

I’m not supposed to.

I blush, blood to my face

My heart beats too.

I wonder, is that shock?

That crashing blue stabbing

Yellow-gray paralyzing

Stabbing, stabbing in my chest,

Stabbing in my in my chest?

I let out a shaky breath.

My mouth forms words.

Circumlocution, sounds

Words without meanings.

Spilling out I look down at glass

Flowing out over it

In ellipses are elliptical words.

Messy, drippy, and I wish

I wish I could clean that up

It’s a mess and I don’t –

I don’t know what to

I don’t know what to –

Do you feel that too?

Fuchsia, mauve, magenta

Teal, turquoise, aqua

Scarlet blood-red blood-orange

Grapefruit quicksilver blue-silver

Melted metal or

Water-in-a-steel-sink-colored

Candle yellow, candle orange, candle blue,

Flickering love it’s love it’s love

It’s love and oh shit what do I..

What do I do with that

Unbearable candle yellow orange blue white

Glowing melting wax burning soothing

Balm calming your eyes are glowing

They’re shining and you smile

White white whiter than the whitest white

Pink brownish pink reddish brown-you laugh

Rosy beige laugh-your lips

Molten purple violet candle wax

Melting candle wax blue orange yellow

Your feelings color rippling green-in-burgundy

Indigo-in-wine-in-bronze-in-cyan-in-tea green

Out of white out of blue circles

Melting beaded ellipses

Brown espresso brown

Chestnut auburn brown

To a black of the dusk forest

Mixed into brown green charcoal blue-black

Do you see this?

Your laugh is a color.

Your smile is a color.

Your lips are twenty colors.

And this is love, do you feel it?

You don’t open the letter,

You must feel it.

Are my smiles yellow the color of

The sun on a summer day in

The haze of a humid burnt green-yellow

Carolina summer day?
Or are they the shade of my new shoes at dawn?

Or the color of gushing water

Cool lovely violet oil paint

And pine green smelling

Of plastic yearning layered

Glossy watered drying paint?

The length of a breath passes

Your face blushing too

You can’t breathe

And your heart is pulsing vermilion

Vermilion vermilion vermilion

Cadenced, in time to mine

Or your own pounding rhythm?

Your fingers drum on the table

Khaki beige gray yellow orchid

Lady slipper yellow of your face

A flower in bloom after a spring rain

The moisture in the air

The trees greener than usual

The soil browner and somehow

Yes, somehow more scented

Earthiness rising up from earth

And I love you

And from this I know –

I feel — deep within ventricles

Your heart has knocked on

The door of my heart

Pounding to be let in

And even though it isn’t

It isn’t supposed to be

It is. I love I love I love you

And you love me too
And every second is

Every second is its lasts-forever-rainbow

Red orange yellow green

Blue indigo violet

Every second and I just

I just love love love
love you.

Open my love letter.

LET IT PLAY > >

All those wasted hours we used to know
Spent the summer staring out the window
The wind it takes you where it wants to go

First they built the road, then they built the town
That's why we're still driving round and round
And all we see
Are kids in buses longing to be free

Wasted hours, before we knew
Where to go, and what to do
Wasted hours, that you made new
And turned into
A life that we can live

Some cities make you lose your head
Endless suburbs stretched out thin and dead
And what was that line you said
Wishing you were anywhere but here
You watch the life you're living disappear
And now I see
We're still kids in buses longing to be free

Wasted hours, before we knew
Where to go, and what to do
Wasted hours, that you made new
And turned into
A life that we can live

Poema del dia.

I pronounce your name on dark nights,
when the stars come to drink on the moon
and sleep in tufts of hidden fronds. 

And I feel myself hollow of passion and music.
Crazy clock that sings dead ancient hours.

I pronounce your name, in this dark night,
and your name sounds more distant than ever.
More distant than all stars 
and more doleful than a calm rain.

Will I love you like then ever again? 

What blame has my heart? 

When the mist dissipates, 

what other passion may I expect? 

Will it be calm and pure? 

If only my fingers could defoliate the moon!

- Federico Garcia Lorca.

WORDS OF WISEDOM:

" Um, thank you. I'm not much for public speaking. Or much for speaking. Or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise my advice is: Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless experience proves you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor is naked. The truth and a lie are not "sort of" the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you." --- Daria

Esto. Me. Encanta. ♥

It's 3:02 AM,

the start to fucking New Years Eve, and here I am. AWAKE.

Listening to "Moanin'" by Charles Mingus. Oh yes, sugarrr. Soo Jazz'n!

...So, in a few hours, the current year 2010, will officially be considered something of the past. Instead of students dating the upper right hand corner of their class assignments with ?-?-10... starting tomorrow they'll have to cross out that zero and add a fucking one--> ?-?-11 (it usually takes me a while to adjust, and when I do adjust, before I know it, it's time to re-adjust again!) Anyway, back to my point...I don't think I have one, actually. I just have a lot, too much, a ridiculous amount of different thoughts swooning through my brain! (is swooning even a word?) One after another, they collide together, at the same time...it's like a race, a race of words and images that only I can see. How awesome is that? Thinking. It's amazing how we each have our own thoughts...it's our own little-big world in there...in our brains, our imagination. Geez. Well, I'm blabbing too much now. I guess I thought I'd be able to make better sense of these distorted thoughts by writing them out; actually, in this case, typing them out.
Major FAIL.

..It's just damn crazy to me though. How one day determines the end of a whole fucking year. How that same day also determines the start of a whole new fucking year too. It's fucking crazy, yet fucking amazing. and sort of fucking confusing. (I never usually curse this much, by the way.) but, blah.

..I probably wont be getting much sleep tonight.
I'm totally fine with it too. I actually don't mind staying up.
I don't mind the fucking saggy bag pouches I'll be having under my eye balls in the future. I like being awake. Honestly, If it weren't for dreams, sleeping would be such a drag. Anyhow, I probably sound like either:

A) a fucking bore
B) a fucking phsyco 
C) an interesting confusing robot OR

D) all of the above

so, I'll just leave it at this:

This drawing is a perfect combination of four things I happen to adore in this life.
(and possibly you may adore so too?)
...Old age + beard + birds + winter = ♥

Sometimes,

I wish I could live the life of a fucking REBEL. 

Follow my heart, and not give two fucks about consequences.
About what's right, and what's wrong..
about other peoples wants, expectations, and needs. 

Fucking let my feet take me where they desire, 
and not worry about how the fuck, or if I'll ever make it back. 

If I could be careless, instead of selfless...if I could be unaware. 

If I could step out of my fucking shadow, 
and set the ghost in the back of my head FREE.

If I could actually fucking pursue my dreams, 
without hesitations or limitations. 

If I could live my life without having to use the fucking word "if."

and just be a rebel...A FUCKING REBEL IN PURSUIT OF LIVING.

A fucking rebel that actually lives each day as if it were the last,

and doesn't just speak about one day doing so.

A fucking rebel that doesn't give a fuck about 
how many times she uses the fucking word "fuck." 

..Sometimes, I just wish I could be another me. NOT somebody else..

just another fucking version of me. One that is truly, honestly, genuinely, one-hundred-and-fucking-seven-percent satisfied with life...

"I'd rather live in a trashcan 
than see you happy with another man."

do you eat, sleep,

do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

do you take plight on my tongue like lead?
do you fall gracefully into bed anymore?

I saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will see you again. 

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will be there.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you keep me anymore?

you kick my foot under the table, 

I kick you back;

I can't say I'm able to
stand for you or
fall for you ever again.

wish for a perfect setting?
wishing that I am letting you
take me where you want me
all over again?
you can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will see you again. 

I don't know, and I don't care
if I ever will be there.

I saw you as you walked across my room.
you looked out the window, you looked at the moon.
and you sat on the corner of my bed, and
you smoked with the ghost in the back of my head.

do you eat, sleep, do you breathe me anymore?
do you sleep, do you count sheep anymore?
do you sleep anymore?

I don't know, and I don't care if I ever will be there.

- Lisa Loeb.

FEET + ALL OF THEE BELOW 

=   

HAPPY FEET ♥ 

 

 

PRESS PLAY.

I want to ink his words on my canvased skin.

possibly, more than likely...I will.
before this year ends, perhaps?

 

"Be Here Now"

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now.

Something about this photo,

is breathtakingly beautiful to me.
I'm not quite sure why?
maybe it's the soft intensity in his eyes..
his effortless attractive messy hair.. 
the raw natural beauty of his freckles, and thick eyebrows..
or maybe it's the Polaroid held in his hand, that gracefully captures the reflection of a California sky..

It's been said that...

The man of my dreams,

can only be seen through closed eyes.

The love of my life,
is physically unaware.

Romance pulses through my veins,
so I write away...

In another lifetime.
some other way.
in-between seasons.
as a canvas serves purpose to half-empty bottles of paint..

that's when I'll feel,
that's when he'll touch,
that's when we'll seat,
that's when we'll brunch,
that's when I'll hold him,
as he sings me sweet songs..

that's when the dream,
will tear me apart.

You and me between the sheets
It just doesn't get better than this
The many windswept yellow stickies of my mind
Are the molten emotional front line
I couldn't care less I'm transfixed in this absolute bliss
Sweet sleepless, tumbling night
Oh, and the morning on your skin and loved up light
Tracing patterns in the maze of your back
Softly, softly the goose bumps like that
And then a kiss...
Maybe another,
And another one..
- Imogean Heap.

Deer. Yes, Deer!

I want a pet deer, m' dear.
I'd name him crush, feed em' warm milk in a bottle, and tell him all my stories.
We'd watch Bambi together, and I'd teach him how to dance.
Oui, I truly believe deers have the potential to dance.

I'd be his Momma Dear, and I'd keep em' forever, until the end of dearest time.

- FIN.

WHAT IF.

those two words are enough to drive a person crazy.

enough to drive a person mad.

enough to save somebody's heartbeat.

enough to rekindle what we had.

What if, what if...